Inspired by Dr. Brené Brown’s Daring Greatly1

I had no idea what this book was all about before picking it up. Honestly, the only reason why I read/listened to it was because the audiobook version was available at my local library. But I’m so glad I did.

The book talks about the role shame and vulnerability plays on us as well as society at large; how it causes us to feel inadequate or small, powerless or defeated. This book really does a good job at helping us process our emotions by examining the causes and impacts of shame.

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Narcissism relates to Shame

Recent studies2 conducted on an apparent rise in narcissism have found evidence for an increase in narcissistic personality traits compared to previous generations. While it’s easy to scoff about how this phenomenon is moreso a product of who these people are – and consequently letting ourselves off the hook – there is a more nuanced reason that could explain this trend: narcissism arises from “the shame-based fear of being ordinary.”1

I see the fear of never feeling extraordinary enough to be noticed, to be lovable, to belong, or to cultivate a sense of purpose…

I see the cultural messaging everywhere that says that an ordinary life is a meaningless life.

And I see how kids that grow up on a steady diet of [social media and influencer culture] can absorb this messaging and develop a completely skewed sense of the world.

We all want to make an impact, for our actions to matter. And for some, this combination of grandiosity, entitlement, and admiration-seeking offers the perfect protection from this perceived “mediocrity.”

Never Enough

We get scarcity because we live it.

Dr. Brene Brown, Daring Greatly

This fear of being ordinary is only a small contributor to our current culture of scarcity- one where we’re hyperaware of lacking/finite resources and constantly comparing what we have, want, or don’t have to what others have, want, or don’t have.

As a result, we have this idea that we’re constantly inadequate. That we’re:

  • Never good enough
  • Never attractive enough
  • Never successful enough
  • Never skinny enough
  • Never wealthy enough
  • Never brave enough
  • Never sure enough

It’s precisely how universal this feeling of scarcity is that reinforces our struggles with the issue of worthiness.

How to Identify Scarcity

There are 3 main components of scarcity: Shame, Comparison, and Disengagement. The author outlines the following questions you should ask yourself to reflect on if scarcity affects a social system you’re a part of.

  1. Shame: Is fear of ridicule and belittling used to manage people and/or to keep people in line? Is self-worth tied to achievement, productivity, or compliance? Are blaming and finger-pointing norms? Are put-downs and name-calling rampant? What about favoritism? Is perfectionism an issue?
  2. Comparison: Healthy competition can be beneficial, but is there constant overt or covert comparing and ranking? Has creativity been suffocated? Are people held to one narrow standard rather than acknowledged for their unique gifts and contributions? Is there an ideal way of being or one form of talent that is used as measurement of everyone else’s worth?
  3. Disengagement: Are people afraid to take risks or try new things? Is it easier to stay quiet than to share stories, experiences, and ideas? Does it feel as if no one is really paying attention or listening? Is everyone struggling to be seen and heard?1

Our culture norms largely reflect many of these questions, which is emblematic of how scarcity has become the default perspective and view. But it doesn’t have to be this way.

Countering the Culture of Scarcity

If we wish to counteract the effects of this culture, we must consider its obverse. The opposite of scarcity is not abundance; the opposite of “never enough” is not “having more than you need.”
The opposite of scarcity is enough. That you are enough. That what you do is enough. That your actions, feelings are enough.

For this, we MUST embrace our vulnerability and worthiness. To have an open and honest dialogue with ourselves about how we have flaws and that’s okay. That there’s no extrinsic condition that we must tie our worth to. How merely showing up is enough. It’s not just about self-love and positive self-talk, but also about how letting ourselves be seen can be the most courageous thing we can do.

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This journey about becoming courageous through being vulnerable and countering disconnection is what the author refers to as Daring Greatly.
I hope that you accompany me on my journey to be boldly vulnerable, and consequently, brave and resilient to those that weigh us down.

  1. Brown, B. (2015). Daring Greatly : How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead. Avery Publishing Group. ↩︎
  2. Twenge, J. M., & Foster, J. D. (2008). Mapping the scale of the narcissism epidemic: Increases in narcissism 2002–2007 within ethnic groups. Journal of Research in Personality, 42(6), 1619–1622. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jrp.2008.06.014
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