Based on Dr. Brené Brown’s Daring Greatly1

Recently I’ve noticed a lot of disillusionment in some of the groups or environments in my personal life. I think it’s important to understand what may cause this sentiment as disconnection leads to the downfall of organizations.

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The Disengagement Divide

Disengagement is the issue underlying the majority of problems I see in families, schools, communities and organizations…

[One of the leading causes of this disengagement] is when we feel like the people who are leading us – our boss, our teachers, our principal, our clergy, our parents, our politicians – aren’t living up to their end of the social contract.

This point is big because leaders MUST set the example for others in the organization to follow and abide. Paying lip service by telling someone to be, act, or feel a certain way while not actually doing the very thing you’re saying out loud comes off as hypocritical and will be met with disdain. To lead and inspire others, we MUST practice what we preach.

Another common trend I’ve been seeing a lot of recently is the phenomenon of not giving deserved recognition to those who go above and beyond what is expected of them. This often breeds resentment as these individuals will feel unappreciated and taken advantage of.

Aspirational vs Practiced Values

We can’t give people what we don’t have. Who we are matters immeasurably more than what we know or who we want to be.

Dr. Brené Brown

Aspirational values refers to the values that we intend to or aspire to live by.
Practice values refers to how we actually live, feel, behave, and think.

Essentially, are we walking our talk? Let’s compare three examples:

[Example 1]
Aspirational values: Leadership and Accountability
Practiced values: Avoidance and Inconsistency

The manager consistently emphasizes the importance of senior team members leading by example and directly addressing frustrations with each other. Yet, when concerns are raised to the manager by team members, he seldom communicates these issues back to those involved. He insists on not using phones with customers present, but when a team member was on her phone while assisting a customer next to him, he turned a blind eye. The team members who brought up their concerns feel dismissed and unheard, leading to a culture of frustration and inconsistency.

[Example 2]
Aspirational values: Fairness and Recognition
Practiced values: Oversight and Inequality

In a busy doctor’s office, a medical assistant diligently performs tasks well beyond her role, such as conducting blood draws and assisting in surgeries. Her extra efforts go unrecognized. When a new team member, lacking clinical or professional experience, is hired at a higher salary, she feels undervalued and overlooked. This discrepancy between her contribution and recognition fuels her frustration and prompts her to consider requesting a raise to reflect her true worth.

[Example 3]1
Aspirational Values: Emotional Connection and Honored Feelings
Practiced Values: Emotional Connection and Honored Feelings

Mom and Dad have tried to instill and model a “feelings first”
ethic in their family. One evening Hunter comes home from
basketball practice and is clearly upset. His sophomore year has
been tough, and the basketball coach is really riding him. He
throws his bag down on the kitchen floor and heads straight
upstairs. Mom and Dad are in the kitchen making dinner, and
they watch Hunter as he disappears up to his room. Dad turns
off the burner, and Mom tells Hunter’s younger brother that
they’re going to talk to Hunter and to please give them some
time alone with him. They go upstairs together and sit on the
edge of his bed. “Your mom and I know these past few weeks
have been really hard,” Dad says. “We don’t know exactly how
you feel, but we want to know. High school was tough for both of
us, and we want to be with you in this.”

Now, we can’t be perfect models all the time, but if our practice values are routinely in conflict with the expectations we set, disengagement is inevitable.

How to assess your organization’s culture or values?

These 10 questions from Brené Brown’s book can tell you a lot about the culture and values of any organization:

  1. What behaviors are rewarded? Punished?
  2. Where and how are people actually spending their resources (time, money, attention)?
  3. What rules and expectations are followed, enforced, and ignored?
  4. Do people feel safe and supported talking about how they feel and asking for what they need?
  5. What are the sacred cows? Who is most likely to tip them? Who stands the cows back up?
  6. What stories are legend and what values do they convey?
  7. What happens when someone fails, disappoints, or makes a mistake?
  8. How is vulnerability (uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure) perceived?
  9. How prevalent are shame and blame and how are they showing up?
  10. What’s the collective tolerance for discomfort? Is the discomfort of learning, trying new things, and giving and receiving feedback normalized, or is there a high premium put on comfort (and how does that look)?

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If we routinely do hypocritical or contradictory actions, behaviors, or decisions, how can we expect others to follow what we tell them to do?

References

  1. Brown, B. (2015). Daring Greatly : How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead. Avery Publishing Group. ↩︎