*within limits

Based on Effects of Self-Compassion Training on Work-Related Well-being: A Systematic Review

How?

So many negative emotions surface when we compare what we “should” be doing to what we actually do. Feel guilt or shame for “wasting time,” less successful compared to some of our peers, or grow frustrated with ourselves for not accomplishing our goals.
And yet, we gain nothing by feeling this way, this negative self-talk is counter-productive. Having these nagging voices in the back of your head make you LESS likely to commit to further improving yourself.

Practicing self-compassion and allowing yourself grace makes you feel better about yourself or what you achieve – which isn’t just good for your mental health, but makes your end product better.

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Self-Compassion is productive

Think about the last time someone kept pestering you to finish an assignment. Maybe it was your boss over a deliverable or your mom telling you to clean your plate. If they are constantly pestering you, you may end up doing it, but only begrudgingly.

Now think about a time you completed something as a part of one of your hobbies. Not only was that activity enjoyable, it was something that didn’t require constant supervision.

Not pressuring yourself to complete something on someone else’s timeline always yields positive results. So why listen to those negative voices urging us to finish on THEIR timeline?

The 4-step process to break the cycle of negative self-talk:

1) Would you talk like this to your friend?

An amazing grounding exercise when you begin to feel these negative emotions is to do the following:

Ask yourself, would you say this to a dear friend?

“Josh, I can’t believe you napped for over 2 hours – you wasted so much of your day! Didn’t you want to be productive and do xyz today?”

“Why are you snacking this late at night? You gain more weight eating so close to bedtime!”

“Couldn’t you be doing something more useful to your life than GAMING?”

This person sounds like a jerk! Why would they say such horrid stuff about you – aren’t friends supposed to be supportive and understanding?

So we know these things are objectively mean, so why do we let our own negative thoughts disparage us? This confirms our suspicions that these negative thoughts are in the wrong, eliminating any doubt we should have.

2) Identify those negative thoughts

Now that we can catch when negative thoughts arise, next step is to identify those feelings.

Ask yourself, how do these thoughts make me feel?

“I wanted to nap for 25 minutes, but I ended up napping for over an hour and a half! I feel guilty because I have a lot of things to do still.”

“I ate my leftover sandwich at midnight. I feel like a failure because I told myself I’d start my healthy habits yesterday and I already broke it.”

“I gamed for 3 hours?!? I feel anxious since I only finished a third of my assignment and I was supposed to be 70% done by now!”

Notice how in each scenario, when you identify your negative feelings, it is easier to reflect on why those feelings my have arisen in the first place. Identifying your feelings allows you pinpoint the logic behind why you feel the way you do in the first place.

3) What is the evidence for/against you still achieving those goals?

When you start feeling these emotions, it’s easy to let those emotions take control. One of the most common ways it controls us is by clouding our logic and reasoning. It hijacks our thoughts into being hyperfocused on the past instead of looking to the future.

When this happens, flip it around instead. Change your mindset to one that is both true and convenient for you.

“I just wasted so much time” “After napping I am able to complete the work in less time than if I was sleep deprived”

“I failed my goal to not midnight snack” “I’m slowly adjusting my nighttime snacking time to be earlier in the evening”

“I procrastinated by gaming for sooooo long” “I treated myself today to spending quality time with my friends. Going forward, I’ll treat myself after I’m satisfied with the work I completed”

Notice how both statements are true, and yet one of them is drastically better for your self-talk and mental health.

4) Follow through on your promises to yourself

By far the MOST important step!!!!

It is ESSENTIAL that you do this step. Without following through, the first 3 steps are completely useless, if not counterproductive.

DO the work after your nap.
COMMIT to snacking earlier.
PRIORITIZE your work before gaming.

Remember that you are making promises to yourself, your future selves.
By not attempting to change, you are only cheating yourself.^

^BUT, DO NOT DO NOT DO NOT beat yourself up for inconsistency – that is not self-love, self-compassion, or healthy.

Say you want to change, TRULY want that change, and commit to that change; but it is completely ok if you slip.

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My personal experience:
Ambition is a double-edged sword

It’s very easy to get swept up into trends and I would say hustle culture is no different. Especially as a young, ambitious twentysomething, your entire life is in front of you and it’s easy to try to do everything, to achieve everything, to be everything, all at once.

I found myself taking on way too much: excelling in school, involvement in leadership and clubs, professional development, research, applying for internships, thinking about graduate school… Heck, even this website is an ambitious little side project of mine.

Ambition can be good, but there’s a right and wrong way to be ambitious and I was doing ambition wrong.

I love you dear reader for your time. However, above all else
LOVE YOURSELF <3